Trying, Surviving and Hoping

I am new at this blogging thing and it actually scares me, in addition to giving me somewhat of hope. Excuse my page for being disorderly, unorganized and so empty right now. I hope that it will eventually come together soon–like I hope my life will as well.

You see right now my body is in a hypothyroid state (due to radioactive iodine treatment from Graves disease), and the fatigue in addition to the pain is horrendous at times. It has made it so difficult to go to work and most days I don’t make it there at all. I am already so alone with little or next to no support system (other than my immediate family). These past few months have been so rough, and I actually thought I was doing so much better emotionally, but that came to a halt yesterday and this evening.

I went to work yesterday after have been out a few days and I apologized to my partners for not being able to make it in, due to how I have been feeling and one of their responses was: “I feel like that everyday.” I felt like I was being judged and that people think that I am staying home just for the heck of it. I am a hardworking person, and put my best into everything, especially my work as at times I feel that it is all I have. Then to have that happen just shatters the little courage I do have and begins the cycle for my depression to set in.

I empathize with others too much, and I understand why they may feel the way they do towards me from a work standpoint (as they are short-staffed), and I hate that my illness messes things up and the order of their day. But people think I can actually control this? It just makes me want to cry and crawl in a hole and never come out. These feelings that others seem to present to me validates my negative self-concept, and nothing in my life validates the positive I feel for myself when one situation or a few little things happen, I just seem to stumble, and with this condition that my body is in isn’t helping matters any at all.

An internet friend of mine suggested I start my own blog in addition to it possibly helping me, so I decided to take their advice. I do suffer from anxiety disorder which at times can trigger me at my worst to isolate myself from others, not socialize in addition to just keep to myself for the fear of being demoralized anymore. Basically, when I have hit a real downward spiral my social anxiety kicks in. I wasn’t aware of this until quite some time ago.

I am surviving, trying and hoping. I survive everyday and choose to because I know that beyond the disordered, jumbled thoughts I am there ready to be a carefree person. The person I was meant to be who dwells inside of me. I try everyday to let myself come out, but the world oftentimes I feel shuns me and everyone who isn’t or is around me. I have accepted that in some way I am different as everyone else, yet I am the same. I try because I know that the suffering I endure isn’t in vain. One day the pain will subside. I hope everyday will lead me closer to learning how to let myself be free, without being selfish or selfless. I need to find that medium. I have never been able to find it.

I hope this post made sense in addition to letting you know a bit about me and who I am.

You can call me Mystic. 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

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